This Thin Veil

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I've had a swirl of emotions since I posted Sea Hags and Granny Panties. I've questioned the logic of it all. Wondered if I've alienated those who I aspire to sit with. I've spent nights wide awake in my bed with only the sliver light of the moon shining across the bed. My inner dialogue going something like this.

"Maybe what this is a mid-life crisis. Maybe this restlessness is just because 40 looms."

"What if the spaces you manifested writing for won't invite you in because you don't want the labels anymore."

"No one is reading anyway. Why are you giving so much weight to this when it's not even been well read. Or received."

But I realize that what I wrote is still all true for me and the private messages and the emails tell me that I'm not in it alone.

My soul love and fellow creatrix Hillary said to me "I wonder if you resonate so much with the season, the in between, the veils between worlds thinning."

That comforted me. I'm claiming it. I'm spending Dia De Mertos with The High Priestess and a mocha. Standing in this thin veil space and spreading my arms open wide. Inviting it all to come in. But only what brings life to stay.

Sea Hags and Granny Panties

I texted my friend Anya a few weeks ago and said “I’m tired of all the same things. I’m tired of the word gypsy and all the mermaid craze. I’m tired of boho and tribal. Basically, I’m tired of myself.”

I attempted to bury the thoughts for a bit to lower them into the ground and throw a handful of dirt over them. Little Lazarus’, they keep resurrecting themselves. Whispering and pulling on their leash. Not letting me go. Me not really wanting them to.

As magical time would have it, last weekend I donned a tiny dress and some moccasin boots and picked Anya up from the airport. {I’m not even going to tell you about the weekend. You wouldn’t believe most of it if I did. Like for real, you would think I was lying.}

I’ve been back in my nest for 5 days, but long before I left the weekend, I had this sense of urgency. That some things in my life needed a big time overhaul and that some things just needed to be burned to the ground. That a change must occur or I would be lying on the ground also, covered with grains of time and dried up things.

I was thinking about it in the shower just now. (Any kind of water always fuels my minds energy.) This lack of feeling for anything labeled gypsy-boho-mermaid and I realized I want something else.

I want to be a sea-hag. Not a mermaid. I want to be with the thieves, not the new day gypsies. I want to be in the dive bar, not at Whole Foods. I want messy plastic altars not shiny stained glass windows.

I’m tired of all the sparkly trendy things. I want realness. I want the depths. The unglamorous. Dirty real.

I want your granny panties and your dirty little secrets. I want your vulgar language, rather than your pretty poetry.  I want your whiskey instead of your fancy cosmopolitan. I want to eat with my fingers and lick them when I’m finished. I want a half smoked cigar, and some too short shorts, while I lay out tarot cards that I don’t even understand.

I am tearing down the matching curtains in my RV and covering the windows with mismatched sheets and faux sheepskin. I’m hanging disco balls instead of fairy lights. I'm donning a furry vest and some thrift store jeans. I'm listening to Kendrick Lamar on repeat and dreaming of being a pace car driver.

Forget Pinterest worthy photos. I just want to see your piles of clothes and your too full garbage. Your streaked mascara and your stacked up dishes. Your crying child and your unswept floor.

I can’t think that I’m alone in this longing, but I’m making peace with the fact that it may be only me who is ready for this revolution. I’m fine with being on the other side of the coin.

I am here.  I am renovating my life. I am letting go of all that no longer serves me. I am done pretending so that I’ll have more readers or more likes. I’m making no promises about what may take place in this space. Because even I don't know what will be here.

Before Anya arrived, I texted her and said “I want to re-invent myself” and I did that last weekend and once you do that you can’t go back. You can’t lean back wards towards what was. {And you don't want to.}

I can’t ignore these voices anymore. I’m throwing a tea party and inviting only the mystics and the drunks. I'll be the one on the dance floor with the tiny dress and the uncombed hair.

 

 

 

 

What I learned at NASCAR

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I'm not a race car fan. Or at least I wasn't. But I've been wooed.

We got to North Carolina about a month ago. We are within walking distance to the track here. I even mentioned leaving when the next race was for fear that we'd be over run by the party crowd.

Fast forward to last week. I mentioned to my man that I might wanna go over. Just for one night. Just to see what the fuss was about. As the race drew nearer you could feel the anticipation in the air and my curiosity grew. 

We went over the night that the "pole" would be awarded. {Basically it's a race to compete for the starting lineup in the big race.}

I had a blast.

There was something about those cars flying past me. The energy in the air and the science of the track. Each curve and stretch measured and calculated.

We ended up back at the track for the big race on Saturday night.  

Here's what I learned.

1. Stereotyping people never works out. I had expected people to be drunk falling all over and being rude. I met the opposite of that. The people we sat near were polite. They coached us in what was crucial to know and that offered us fried chicken and beer.

2. You need a driver. You have to pick someone to cheer for. Someone to pin your hopes on and scream for as they go flying past. There are a lot of drivers and only one winner. You can't just choose a driver and then be mad that they didn't win. You're  a part of their team now. Win or lose. 

3. Coming together for common interests builds community.  It gives us something to cheer for and to talk about. Even if something isn't what you'd normally be excited about. Expanding interests is vital to life. I'm realizing that. It's an ever-evolution and causes us to grow.

4. Say yes. This was the thing that fueled me most this weekend. I said yes to something that I expected to hate. And fell in love with something new. Now I'm looking for new things to say yes to. I can't wait to see what opens up now.

5. It's never too late to choose a career  path. I'm holding onto this one. Because now. I kind of want to be a pace car driver. I'd love to lead those cars around the track. You don't get famous for that. But you do get to say, "the winner of the race had to follow me!"

What are you learning right now? What new life experiences could you say yes to?

Goodness

I'm in one of those seasons. Surrounded by such shiny goodness. Even in the midst of all the things that are really tough, I keep seeing abundance. In relationships, in my body, in my home.

I thought it might be good to bring some here. To share it if you need some. To beg of you to share your own. Or just to give you hope filled wings that it's still out there, swirling around.

I just saw that Mandy's book is free in eBook form. If you've not yet read it.. what are you waiting for? It's changed me. I live in an RV, I don't keep books around if they're no good. Space is limited. I have two copies... go now.

Blushing Wild starts on Sunday. I am giddy over this course. I spilled my guts out in it and shared some pretty daring photos.. similar to this one.

If you follow me in Instagram you might've seen that I was at a tattoo studio last weekend. Would you like to see what transpired? Oh good, because love, I'm showing you.

{It's in the peeling stage, but I was anxious to share with you.}

{It's in the peeling stage, but I was anxious to share with you.}

My baby daddy and I have never gotten tattoos together, we usually take turns. But we decided to go for it, right now. I got the alchemy symbol for water, because of my love for the oceans and the depths, he got the symbol for fire. I am in love with them. I also got the crescent moon on my finger. {And now I want the rest of my fingers done}

We've been parked in the same spot since April, it's a record for us. My feet and soul are restless. I'm ready in anticipation of where we are off to next. Hopefully very soon.

I began a whole30 this month. It began as a desperate attempt to heal my womb. I don't usually do well with restricting foods. I tend to rebel to greatly. But something this time has been different. I'm no longer calling it a whole30 because I've strayed a bit. But stayed mostly paleo/primal. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing I feel. Turns out, my body loves whole foods, no grains, no sugar. Just real food. I am relishing in how magical I feel right now.

I have some really great things on the horizon. Starting with Money Salt +Bone. It doesn't end there, I think it's a beginning really. And I have a girl crush on beginnings.