that's a fine looking high horse

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If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice
To drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That's a fine looking high horse

I tried to describe to her what was, what is happening here. It's hard to put to words. The depths of it. The widths of it. This year, {this decade} has been slowly building. Climaxing. I think right here is where I started to finally acknowledge that I wouldn't be able to ignore it. That it would need a voice. That that voice, it may need to wail.

In two months I turn 40. I am full of resistance to it. For so many reasons. 40 reminds me of Oprah. I remember her celebrating for days. Weeks maybe. Wearing matching clothes and perfectly coiffed hair. And while I love so much that she is and so much that she says. I do not want Oprah's 40. I'm not even sure that I want my own.

They say that it brings freedom and a letting go of sorts. I just feel like I've already been doing that. I'm so free I no longer have roots. I've let go of almost all that I have known. It's just bringing more confusion and resistance. Can't I stay in my 30's if I've already done those things?

She asked me if I first needed to grieve some things. To really grieve them. I spent two days contemplating wearing black for the next two months. To go inside and grieve it all. I didn't even know until she asked that I wanted that. When she said it I felt the biggest permission slip held tightly, crumpled in my hand. 

I'm going to do that. I'm beginning that. To sit shiva with myself. To mourn all that cannot be, that was and is no longer.

But a part of me also wants the sparkle. To wear nothing but sequins and fur these last weeks of my 30's. To be bold and shocking and brash. To sleep in my makeup and get up and wear it out the next day. I don't know what I want more. The darkness or the sparkle.

In the spirit of untraditional shiva. I'm going in. I don't know what it will look like, but I will allow it. I will throw my head back and call it all forth. I must see to this.

It may get heavy in this space. It may not be colorful and sweet. It may be gritty and full of stark nakedness. It will not be tidy or candy coated. It may be dripping with grief and the heaviness of molasses.

{Hoziers music will be my soundtrack for this sojourning.  Go. Now. Listen}

This Thin Veil

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I've had a swirl of emotions since I posted Sea Hags and Granny Panties. I've questioned the logic of it all. Wondered if I've alienated those who I aspire to sit with. I've spent nights wide awake in my bed with only the sliver light of the moon shining across the bed. My inner dialogue going something like this.

"Maybe what this is a mid-life crisis. Maybe this restlessness is just because 40 looms."

"What if the spaces you manifested writing for won't invite you in because you don't want the labels anymore."

"No one is reading anyway. Why are you giving so much weight to this when it's not even been well read. Or received."

But I realize that what I wrote is still all true for me and the private messages and the emails tell me that I'm not in it alone.

My soul love and fellow creatrix Hillary said to me "I wonder if you resonate so much with the season, the in between, the veils between worlds thinning."

That comforted me. I'm claiming it. I'm spending Dia De Mertos with The High Priestess and a mocha. Standing in this thin veil space and spreading my arms open wide. Inviting it all to come in. But only what brings life to stay.

Sea Hags and Granny Panties

I texted my friend Anya a few weeks ago and said “I’m tired of all the same things. I’m tired of the word gypsy and all the mermaid craze. I’m tired of boho and tribal. Basically, I’m tired of myself.”

I attempted to bury the thoughts for a bit to lower them into the ground and throw a handful of dirt over them. Little Lazarus’, they keep resurrecting themselves. Whispering and pulling on their leash. Not letting me go. Me not really wanting them to.

As magical time would have it, last weekend I donned a tiny dress and some moccasin boots and picked Anya up from the airport. {I’m not even going to tell you about the weekend. You wouldn’t believe most of it if I did. Like for real, you would think I was lying.}

I’ve been back in my nest for 5 days, but long before I left the weekend, I had this sense of urgency. That some things in my life needed a big time overhaul and that some things just needed to be burned to the ground. That a change must occur or I would be lying on the ground also, covered with grains of time and dried up things.

I was thinking about it in the shower just now. (Any kind of water always fuels my minds energy.) This lack of feeling for anything labeled gypsy-boho-mermaid and I realized I want something else.

I want to be a sea-hag. Not a mermaid. I want to be with the thieves, not the new day gypsies. I want to be in the dive bar, not at Whole Foods. I want messy plastic altars not shiny stained glass windows.

I’m tired of all the sparkly trendy things. I want realness. I want the depths. The unglamorous. Dirty real.

I want your granny panties and your dirty little secrets. I want your vulgar language, rather than your pretty poetry.  I want your whiskey instead of your fancy cosmopolitan. I want to eat with my fingers and lick them when I’m finished. I want a half smoked cigar, and some too short shorts, while I lay out tarot cards that I don’t even understand.

I am tearing down the matching curtains in my RV and covering the windows with mismatched sheets and faux sheepskin. I’m hanging disco balls instead of fairy lights. I'm donning a furry vest and some thrift store jeans. I'm listening to Kendrick Lamar on repeat and dreaming of being a pace car driver.

Forget Pinterest worthy photos. I just want to see your piles of clothes and your too full garbage. Your streaked mascara and your stacked up dishes. Your crying child and your unswept floor.

I can’t think that I’m alone in this longing, but I’m making peace with the fact that it may be only me who is ready for this revolution. I’m fine with being on the other side of the coin.

I am here.  I am renovating my life. I am letting go of all that no longer serves me. I am done pretending so that I’ll have more readers or more likes. I’m making no promises about what may take place in this space. Because even I don't know what will be here.

Before Anya arrived, I texted her and said “I want to re-invent myself” and I did that last weekend and once you do that you can’t go back. You can’t lean back wards towards what was. {And you don't want to.}

I can’t ignore these voices anymore. I’m throwing a tea party and inviting only the mystics and the drunks. I'll be the one on the dance floor with the tiny dress and the uncombed hair.

 

 

 

 

What I learned at NASCAR

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I'm not a race car fan. Or at least I wasn't. But I've been wooed.

We got to North Carolina about a month ago. We are within walking distance to the track here. I even mentioned leaving when the next race was for fear that we'd be over run by the party crowd.

Fast forward to last week. I mentioned to my man that I might wanna go over. Just for one night. Just to see what the fuss was about. As the race drew nearer you could feel the anticipation in the air and my curiosity grew. 

We went over the night that the "pole" would be awarded. {Basically it's a race to compete for the starting lineup in the big race.}

I had a blast.

There was something about those cars flying past me. The energy in the air and the science of the track. Each curve and stretch measured and calculated.

We ended up back at the track for the big race on Saturday night.  

Here's what I learned.

1. Stereotyping people never works out. I had expected people to be drunk falling all over and being rude. I met the opposite of that. The people we sat near were polite. They coached us in what was crucial to know and that offered us fried chicken and beer.

2. You need a driver. You have to pick someone to cheer for. Someone to pin your hopes on and scream for as they go flying past. There are a lot of drivers and only one winner. You can't just choose a driver and then be mad that they didn't win. You're  a part of their team now. Win or lose. 

3. Coming together for common interests builds community.  It gives us something to cheer for and to talk about. Even if something isn't what you'd normally be excited about. Expanding interests is vital to life. I'm realizing that. It's an ever-evolution and causes us to grow.

4. Say yes. This was the thing that fueled me most this weekend. I said yes to something that I expected to hate. And fell in love with something new. Now I'm looking for new things to say yes to. I can't wait to see what opens up now.

5. It's never too late to choose a career  path. I'm holding onto this one. Because now. I kind of want to be a pace car driver. I'd love to lead those cars around the track. You don't get famous for that. But you do get to say, "the winner of the race had to follow me!"

What are you learning right now? What new life experiences could you say yes to?

Goodness

I'm in one of those seasons. Surrounded by such shiny goodness. Even in the midst of all the things that are really tough, I keep seeing abundance. In relationships, in my body, in my home.

I thought it might be good to bring some here. To share it if you need some. To beg of you to share your own. Or just to give you hope filled wings that it's still out there, swirling around.

I just saw that Mandy's book is free in eBook form. If you've not yet read it.. what are you waiting for? It's changed me. I live in an RV, I don't keep books around if they're no good. Space is limited. I have two copies... go now.

Blushing Wild starts on Sunday. I am giddy over this course. I spilled my guts out in it and shared some pretty daring photos.. similar to this one.

If you follow me in Instagram you might've seen that I was at a tattoo studio last weekend. Would you like to see what transpired? Oh good, because love, I'm showing you.

{It's in the peeling stage, but I was anxious to share with you.}

{It's in the peeling stage, but I was anxious to share with you.}

My baby daddy and I have never gotten tattoos together, we usually take turns. But we decided to go for it, right now. I got the alchemy symbol for water, because of my love for the oceans and the depths, he got the symbol for fire. I am in love with them. I also got the crescent moon on my finger. {And now I want the rest of my fingers done}

We've been parked in the same spot since April, it's a record for us. My feet and soul are restless. I'm ready in anticipation of where we are off to next. Hopefully very soon.

I began a whole30 this month. It began as a desperate attempt to heal my womb. I don't usually do well with restricting foods. I tend to rebel to greatly. But something this time has been different. I'm no longer calling it a whole30 because I've strayed a bit. But stayed mostly paleo/primal. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing I feel. Turns out, my body loves whole foods, no grains, no sugar. Just real food. I am relishing in how magical I feel right now.

I have some really great things on the horizon. Starting with Money Salt +Bone. It doesn't end there, I think it's a beginning really. And I have a girl crush on beginnings.

 

 

Money Salt + Bone

I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am to be able to finally share this with you.

My beloved Hillary and I were communing over miles, {but still nestled against one another,} and I fell deeper in love with her mystical ways. We kept saying "me too" about so many things. The tough things and the lovely. It's from there that Roots Alchemy was born.

As our scared kinship evolved the conversation one day led us to money. Having it, not having it, debt, scarcity,  the whole realm. In the midst of these shared words, this course began to unravel before us. String by string. 

Out of our longing for connection and deep whispery conversations we blew a wish. A sacred longing that someone would start talking about money (and all that swirls around it) more. That we could sit in circle and share our own myths and curses. That we could bless and release, standing right where we are.

We decided to write the eCourse we longed to take. And loves, it's so so good.

We begin our pilgrimage February 2and will walk for 4 weeks. Starting where we began, at our roots. Through the course we'll build community .... a collective, where you can continue to dance and gather and mend.

Take our hands. Let's start the conversation.

 

 

When It's Swirling

The want for spilling here is so vast and I hold it down, swallow it. I wonder if you want to hear what it is that I have to say and I wonder if you'll still be here after I say it.

I've come back to making this my own space, for me. To spill. To dream. To mourn and to mend.

This season has been a bizarre one. There are lessons so vast that I feel as if I've only begun to get my feet wet, and even in that edginess, it feels as if the current will pull me under.

Two months ago I sat in a doctor's office going over ultrasounds and blood tests. My body already knew long before I sat in that chair. Within moments I was in the midst of biopsies and fears. It all stops in those moments. It doesn't matter the outfit you chose or mascara you wear.  Waterproof or not, the tears flow the same.

It all turned out alright. Well I mean the words were benign, but still my body declares all is not right. The symptoms persist and the demands for healing go beyond sleep, food and herbs.

And then my littlest love sunk back into her pain and misery as well. Her pain at being adopted is limitless. She hurts. We've extended the resources for attachment healing and feeling so helpless, I reached out. In my echoes, one of my dearest friends said to me " Have you considered that this might be more than attachment? That maybe this is something more" and I wept, deep sobbing cries rose from my depths,  because deep down I knew. And didn't want to know.

The writing, which is my life line gets pushed aside and I sink into it all. Allowing it all to consume and stake claim. But I've dropped anchor, in this mild sea and I'm ready to change course, to make my own declarations and to go within and without.

I'm reminded that my life is the lab. That all is mystery and that seasons change. That I can be a witness to myself.

 

declaring my independence

Last week I celebrated an anniversary of survival. I guess maybe "celebrated' isn't the right word. But the day came and I stared it down and I made some peace and I acknowledged some peace that still hasn't come. Some peace that I must now hunt down and declare for myself. To myself. 

In my 750words that day I spilled truths for myself. Words and phrases that had been swirling in my head for some time. Maybe for all this time.

" I deserve to stop carrying around these f*#king body bags. The bodies heavy, the insides of them decayed and no longer salvageable. I want it. I do. This independence day I'm setting myself free. It is time."

and then "I'm burning it down and walking away. And turning to the things that heal only, if it's not beautiful or doesn't bring healing I don't want it anymore. None of it."

I thought about it all over this weekend, where we celebrate freedom and independence. There are some things that just really no longer allow me to be free. There are some things that I have become dependent upon that hold me tie me to the ground. Some of them good and some of them simply still around because they are familiar. It's too much for this gypsy mermaid girl. I need the freedom.

" I'm setting my boundaries and laying it all out and down. For me. I need this so badly. I need to let myself have the good things and walk away from those that aren't. I can't give to them anymore. They'll have to heal themselves."

I'm proclaiming freedom today. I'm cutting the string to things, people, food, phrases, whose time has come and gone. Things that were beautiful and good for a time. Whose purpose has been served and now it's time to let them float off into the sky.

For some it will be a quick snip and a sly grin as they go. For others I will have to crowd them out with better nourishing things. I'm keeping my eyes wide for what goes and what stays. But I know that this stuff I'm carrying around serves me no longer.

I'm not hiding it or skirting around it. I'm declaring it. This independence.

I took my love and I took it down

                                                                            My little brother and I

 

A couple weeks ago I made the trek back to my home state to witness my brother's wedding. One of the challenges of being a gypsy tribe that follows where our work leads, is the inability to go where we want, when we want. We spent a lot of the winter at the beach and in lay off. Which was so sweet and a bit of juggling hope and trust and fear. So we decided that I would make the trip alone. It was a strange and heavy decision but in hindsight I can see where it all was as it should be.

I grabbed a carry on bag, threw in a dress and set out. I both love and hate flying alone. I love putting on my headphones and tuning out all the sounds around me, I love the independence that I feel, and yet when turbulence hits I would like to be able to look into familiar eyes and seek solace. {Pretty sure this is a metaphor for life and love and all that there is.}

The weekend was so lovely. Truly. The weather was warm and sunny and the ceremony was full of stark beauty. There really is something about a wedding. The sweetness swirling about in the air, dripping like honey. I found some healing in places that needed healing and I left feeling lighter and refreshed, even in those 4 short days. It was a gift to be near family and friends after having not seen any of them for over 6 months.

I thought I'd share a little with you about the gems of my trip.

I read this book on the plane. I don't remember who recommended it when I put out a call for book suggestions, but it was perfect and it rekindled my desire to want to finish my nanowrimo book. It's a collection of short writings and stories and the perfect book for right before bed.

I used my oils like crazy. I can't believe that I've traveled without them before. Seriously. I slept in two different places on the weekend after catching a 6 am flight and then returning here at 1 am. I used OnGuard and peppermint on the soles of my feet each day. Also OnGuard on the back of my neck before I got on the plane. I sometimes get restless legs when I fly from sitting so long and from being tired, I used lavender on the back of each calf on the plane and I had no restlessness. My allergies flare when I'm back home, {I think it's all the spring newness growing and my body not being immune to the allergens I'm not around most.} I used Breathe and Lavender oils on my wrists each night when my nose felt itchy and I slept much better than I usually do being in a different place. {I am a girl who just really loves her own bed.} I have been facing some other health stuff that I want to share about soon and I used Frankincense and Cypress oils to help alleviate some of the pain that I was feeling. I have such gratitude for these oils and I know that I won't travel again without them.

I listened to Beck over and over, I had a couple playlists saved on my phone before I left but I just kept coming back to this album. It was so comforting to me.

I had a big search for my dress before I left. I wanted very much to buy this dress but it was never in stock in my size. {Until the day I got back home and got a notification it was back in stock} I struggle with finding clothes sometimes, I didn't have time to order anything from a couple Etsy shops where I had my eye on things. I am not always sure how to define my style, it's not really hippie as much as it used to be,  it's more boho but I really do love some glam. {Boho glam sounds right} It's something I've discovered about myself in the last few years. I love to watch makeup videos and get really cute. I ended up finding this little gem at Forever 21. I wore some gold sandals and it has now become one of my favorite pieces.

So that was a little peek into my trip of love.

I've got other stuff to share from the past couple weeks and I hope to do that soon. In the meantime, is anyone else feeling this Retrograde pull? I am in between cleaning out my space and wanting order and taking long unexpected naps. It's so bizarre to me, the pull and the ebb. I'm making some space this afternoon to just sit in it all. {And maybe watch one episode of Orange is the New Black}

I'm also spending some time this weekend on my words for this course. Which I CANNOT even wait for. I love these girls and I think this might be the best thing they've put together yet. I'm beyond thrilled to be a part of it.

what life looks like

This full moon has left me swirling. I've been quite in social spaces. Sitting with myself and witnessing with those I love.

I wanted to share a peek into my days, my moments. What the lab looks like right now.

Our RV park has a pool and most of the people here have left for the summer, flown back to their northern homes. We have this space to ourselves most days. Water, wherever I find it, heals me.

I'm within biking distance to the grocery store, it's reignited my love for riding my bike and there's something very soul filling about riding to the store and getting only what I need for that day, putting it in my basket and then riding across the street to Sta@rbucks for an Opr@h chai over ice.

My friend Danielle sent me this mermaid opener when I was landlocked a couple years ago. She knows my love for the depths and for mystery. I love it so.

I've been using essential oils for about 5 years now. I've slowly incorporated them more and more into our healing arsenal and I'm continually amazed at the way they help so very many things. This morning found me using them to help heal a sore puppy foot. There seriously is an oil for everything. I'd love to share more about them if you're new to them or have questions.

I've had several inquiries lately about our gypsy life. Do you have questions or curiosities about that? You can leave a comment or contact me directly and if there are enough of them I'll do a some posts around that.

This weekend will finding me packing for a quick trip back to the midwest, dipping my toes in more water and scouring the farmers market for greens and fruits. Tell me love, what does your life look like right now?

Beautiful tragic broken longing

for the ones who mother us all, but have not held their own baby in their arms

for the ones who have mothered their own mothers to the other side 

for the ones whose children live in new homes because they could not care for them

for the ones who mother children that reject them repeatedly  

for the ones in the depths

for the ones in the widths

for the ones who have bled out babies that never took breath  

for the ones who watched their children lowered into the ground and felt their hearts go with them  

for the beautiful and the tragic and the broken and the longing

you are seen. Known. I'm lighting a candle and sitting with you today. 

 

Giveaway Winners

Thank you so very much to everyone who took the time to comment and share the Milagro Girl love.

The winners of the giveaways are:

Thrashing About With God     Megan Davey-Hobaugh

 Sanctuary Oil Blend          Laura Mazurek

SMS 'Zine #13                Chris Reber

Whispered Truths Bracelet       Erica Simpson

The Grey Muse book       Jamie Bonilla

Choose Love cuff          Amanda Fall

Secret Message Art       Aria

All winners have three days to contact me if there has been no response in that time I will draw a new winner for that item.

Again, thank you all. I am so excited to be back in this space. So much more goodness to come.