Even before I cut off my dreads I wanted to shave my head. I've not had the desire until this last year and then it became strong. There would be days that my dreads would be itchy or out of control and I would have this pull to take a pair of clippers to my head.
When I did finally cut off my dreads, I knew it was time. I cut off each dread one by one and gave gratitude to it for all that I had learned from the experience. When I was finished cutting them I took clippers and shaved the sides of my head and the back. But something stopped me when I got to the top. I spent hours combing the dreads on top of my head out so that there was still some "hair" on my head.
I loved that cut and I may have it again someday. However, I knew that I was supposed to shave it all, and the fear of how I would look, was holding me back. It was like the hair on top was a cushion against the world and I could say that I still had "hair".
From there I started a growing out phase and it became chaos. I was unsettled because I knew that I wanted to shave it but I had already made progress in growing it for 3 months. I cut the top in hopes that it would feel, "all one length" but still my discontent rose.
When I went to meet Tara last week I told my husband that I would probably come home with a shaved head.
Tara shines in her new buzz cut. Her whole spirit is lighter and more free than you can imagine and it's contagious. I told her she should start carrying clippers with her wherever she goes.
Within hours of coming home from that meeting I shaved my hair, all of it. And it felt very liberating. It felt like I had finally dealt with this thing that I was called to do and had resisted. It felt like completing this task that had been waiting and calling to me.
That was five days ago. It still catches me off guard when I see my reflection and I'm reminded that that's really me staring back. There is no hiding anymore, there is no cowering behind the fringe on top. I am all out there.
In the last day or so I'm struggling with some of it. I'm questioning if I look enough like a "girl". But I'm digging into every emotion that comes through this shaved head of mine and embracing each one as part of who I am and all that I want to learn about myself.