I am knee deep in hammering out a novel and I'm finding my life running parallel and perpendicular to all of it. When you start writing it's like you tap into this part of your brain that has been longing for attention and once you turn it on you become even more alive, deeper alive. Everything feels more colorful, every emotion deeper and more raw, every desire pulsing harder. I'm a bit behind on my word count and should be spending this time with my characters but I think allowing the words that need to come out in this space will only help to make more room for the story.
I'm becoming less and less content with normal. I want more and more raw realness in my life. I am so hungry for deep conversations and public displays of craziness. I just want to lift my hands and declare myself free. Free from conforming, free from opinions of others, free from it. all.
I'm feeling every emotion. Lately it's been sadness AND immense happiness. When I'm sad I want to be able to wail in grief and not have to "protect" anyone who can't handle my sadness. When I am filled with laughter I want to be able to proclaim that just as loudly without having to tone it down to make it look like my life streams straight across the board. I'm done.
Done trying to get you to like me. Done wondering why it is that you might not. I'm content to not know everything about myself right now. I'm still floating around what it is that I believe spiritually and instead of trying to rush and push that to make anyone feel better I'm sitting in the contentment of uncertainty. When you connect (and disconnect) deeper you feel it all. But rather than deny it or try to soothe it. I'm sitting with it, making friends and letting it say what it needs to.
I talked with a friend last week about how I hate it here and for the longest time I felt like there was something wrong with that. That I should try and f#cking try to make a home and get content. Well I'm out. Done. I'm letting myself hate it. Still finding things that I do love yes. Pockets of good stuff. But I'm clinging to the truth of "if it don't fit, don't force it" I don't fit here. But I will continue to live in suburbia with my tattoos and crazy hair and full moon rituals and let the chips fall where they may.
I'm content to not have 30 friends who kind of get parts of me. I'm fine to feel disconnected from people who used to want to know me, but are now confused and scared of my dark side. I want a few people, raw, wild souls who get me, all of me and who want more. I'm fine with less, if it's more intense. Bring it.
I'm not toning it down anymore. For anyone. This is me, more vibrant, more passion filled, more tuned in and turned on.