So much to say so little words

photo-18
photo-18

I realize that this space has been quiet. This isn't an apology for that. It's been exactly what it's needed to be these last couple months. Quiet, still, reflective.

I spent November writing a novel, but I also spent it away from facebook. I learned so very much about myself through both of those things. December found me getting myself reintegrating with facebook and deciding what I wanted from there. I'm finding myself changed these last few months. Dramatically changed. Some of it is intentional and obvious, some of it is subtle and catches me off guard. But all of it, all of it is good.

I've always loved the internet. I love information. I love connection. I love exploration. It has given me all of that and more. It has literally changed my life, most of it for the better, but there are pieces of the love story that just aren't that shiny anymore. It became really obvious each time I took an extended break from facebook or pieces of the world wide web.

When I disconnected from online I found myself more connected in person. I had coffee dates and martini nights. I made things with my hands, I read books, I wrote novels. I had more passionate sex. I felt more alive. I purged my closet. I nested. I found the wall around my heart lower and more easy to climb. The words that flowed that month would take me away and sweep me into them. It was magical.

Coming back in December felt good, for a moment. But then I saw the old habits reappear. I saw myself again on the couch too long drifting away from what was in front of me. I had an epiphany one night while I was standing in the shower. I would simply leave social media. I even considered dropping our internet at home. (gasp) The next morning I found myself in deep conversation with my friend Rachael. I heard her say "me too" when I told her about my desire to leave the world of online social media. Later I talked with my friend Angie and again, the "me too" crossed through the miles between us.

I sat with the idea through Christmas and these last few days and I have not yet arrived on what I want. However I've gotten clarity on so much. I cut my facebook friends list from over 400 to less than 200. I made my instagram private. I cleaned out my google reader to only the blogs that fuel my fire. I unsubscribed to almost every email newsletter and to all sales pitches. I am weary from the amount of email that I get where someone is selling me something. I just want more real raw connection and I'm not finding it so much on the web, it's buried under free ebooks and "please create an account."

It may not be the thing to say. Marketing experts would probably say that I'm an idiot for saying these words in a space where I want to bring income in. I'm just so disenchanted with so much of it.

The great thing about being confronted with discovering what you don't want any more of, is that you come face to face with what you do want. For me it looks like this.

I want to sit around a table with women, who are passionate about making a difference in their homes and out in the world. Women who want to build and flourish, because they are grounded in who they are and what they know to be true.

I want conversations that last into the night. Deep beautiful conversations. Conversations filled with spirit seeking and deep love.

I want belly laughs. The kind that my six year has, uninhibited, no restraints.

I want to care what no one thinks. No one. Not even you.

I want more sacredness. More rituals. More holy moments. I want more yoga. More candles.

I want to love myself even deeper. So much so that I can walk into each day and know that I will be ok if it's just me, just as I am, at the end of the day.

I want delicious whole real food. That I've made with my loves swirling around me. I want to savor it, to make eating an act of holiness on it's own. I want deep red wine that warms me from the inside out.

I want to spill more words. To not wait until they are spilling over to give them the attention and the voice but to recognize them on impact.

I want to have a closet of a few simple lovely things. So that no matter what I put on, it feels like an extension of my insides. I want more black eyeliner and crazy wild hair.

I'm not content to fill my days with things that don't matter anymore. I want more and I want less.