Last week I celebrated an anniversary of survival. I guess maybe "celebrated' isn't the right word. But the day came and I stared it down and I made some peace and I acknowledged some peace that still hasn't come. Some peace that I must now hunt down and declare for myself. To myself.
In my 750words that day I spilled truths for myself. Words and phrases that had been swirling in my head for some time. Maybe for all this time.
" I deserve to stop carrying around these f*#king body bags. The bodies heavy, the insides of them decayed and no longer salvageable. I want it. I do. This independence day I'm setting myself free. It is time."
and then "I'm burning it down and walking away. And turning to the things that heal only, if it's not beautiful or doesn't bring healing I don't want it anymore. None of it."
I thought about it all over this weekend, where we celebrate freedom and independence. There are some things that just really no longer allow me to be free. There are some things that I have become dependent upon that hold me tie me to the ground. Some of them good and some of them simply still around because they are familiar. It's too much for this gypsy mermaid girl. I need the freedom.
" I'm setting my boundaries and laying it all out and down. For me. I need this so badly. I need to let myself have the good things and walk away from those that aren't. I can't give to them anymore. They'll have to heal themselves."
I'm proclaiming freedom today. I'm cutting the string to things, people, food, phrases, whose time has come and gone. Things that were beautiful and good for a time. Whose purpose has been served and now it's time to let them float off into the sky.
For some it will be a quick snip and a sly grin as they go. For others I will have to crowd them out with better nourishing things. I'm keeping my eyes wide for what goes and what stays. But I know that this stuff I'm carrying around serves me no longer.
I'm not hiding it or skirting around it. I'm declaring it. This independence.