not my enemy

I’m quite certain that you would think that I would have more answers after all this time. It’s been 3 years since I shared this post. Since I proclaimed my confusion and my disillusion. I “should” have a lot more answers right now. I should be able to declare that I’ve figured it all out and I should be able to tell you how I did it and breakdown the costs for you.

But I can’t and I won’t.

I will however continue to share what I’m learning on the yellow brick road. Not as an instruction manual, but as a reminder for myself in case I need the song sung back to me.

Several years ago my man and I were deep in the throws of sorting out our marriage, {it would seem that much of my life has revolved around flailing and in the lab.} We were trying to decide if we should stay or go. In the midst of the sorting, we attended a conference dedicated to helping partners understand each other better.

Throughout all of my days I have taken what I needed at the time and left the things that didn’t serve, they sit for someone else who needs exactly that thing in their own journey.

I have such gratitude for some words that were shared while I sat in the hotel conference room chair. They had us look at our partner and say  “You are not my enemy.” I have carried those words ten years and I pull them out in parenting and friendships. I pull them out and tell them to myself. A solid reminder in the dark.

Now, I’m applying it to my faith. God is not my enemy. The church is not my enemy. Those who practice deeply and believe so firmly in what they’ve been taught..also not my enemies. My questions are not threats to god. In fact the Divine is probably more fine with my questions than I am. Somewhere along the way I made it out like we were on different sides. That I had to take it all, or nothing. I’m remembering that there are no “sides” here.