what I'm carrying

I've spent the last few days deep in thoughts about 2015. A word for the year. My space. Both physical and emotional. My body. My home. My hips. Relations. Longings and releases. All of it.

I will meet with 40 in just a few weeks. We are in fiery negotiations now. Forty and I. Contract meetings. Dress code decisions. Mediation. To sort out what I want. What I need. All of it.

This morning I woke up and thought "What will I carry forward? What do I want to carry into this New Year?"

So 2015 feels like a big deal in so many ways.

I don't want to carry all of this old stuff forward. A wound from my past came up the other night and I was instantly swirling into the depths of anger. I felt it all like it was just happening for the first time. It was my depths calling me in. Letting me know that this wound is ready to be mended. Again. It needed my attention. And I'm giving it my all. I know that I can't carry it forward. That it really is time to let it go. For me. And for me alone. I know that it affects those that I love and that love me. But this round.... it's on me.. All of it.

I've been lighting a lot of fires lately here in Florida. Letting it all burn. Because I don't want to just bury it. I want it incinerated. Gone. Charred fragments in the wind. Never to be held again.

I posted on instagram this morning and said "I want to say no to all the things. I want to stay in when everyone else goes out. I want to eat creme brulèe for breakfast with a doppio and whip cream. I want to wear a black slip to the restaurant (with bare feet and red nails) I want champagne with a cheeseburger. I want to strip it all down. Bare walls. Bared soul."

What are you carrying into this year? What really begs for a space in your life that just doesn't belong in 2015? Before you can settle upon what you do want, you have to really look at what you don't. It's dirty work. It's painful. But it's also brings about the deepest sense of freedom. It's all yours. All of it.

Love. What calls from your root? The deep parts. The secret longings? It's time to make a space for it. 2015 feels like a start. Reinvention is a daring beautiful thing. Let it come. Meet it at the door and sit down to see what it offers.